Grief, loss and pets
For many, the loss of a pet may be sad, but given time, they can cope adequately. For others, the loss may be devastating. The distress they feel may surprise or even frighten them.
A significant number of your clients will experience genuine, deeply felt grief over the loss of their pet. For those who felt that their pet was a part of the family, or to whom their pet was a constant companion, and in some cases their most loved friend, the loss may be as traumatic as would be the death of a child.
A significant difference between the loss of a pet and the loss of a relative is that grieving for a person is ‘allowable’, at least to a point. There are definitely barriers erected to prevent adequate grieving for what many perceive as an irrelevant object, such as a cat or dog. These barriers may be put up by the bereaved themselves or by ostensibly well-meaning friends: ‘It was only a dog’.
Most people do cope moderately to adequately well. For others, it is a catastrophe.
How should you react to a client who has lost their pet?
- Let them know you understand that they are deeply distressed and that it is awful for them.
- Give them your attention. Listen to them. Let them voice their concerns, feelings and anguish.
- Give them time. Find a place they can go to sit by themselves. Give them solitude from other clients who do not comprehend the situation.
- Shield them from irritating distractions such as the phone or other clients wanting
It is generally agreed that viewing the pet’s body is to be encouraged, but first empathise. Think about how you would feel about looking at this particular body.
- Is it positioned with dignity?
- Is it clean, without urine and faeces, catheter or open wounds?
- If necessary, cover part of the body, and if possible, allow the client time alone with it.
Euthanasia
Euthanasia opens new dimensions to the subject of loss and grief. These aspects are not covered in books and articles on grief associated with human death and loss. This issue provokes more emotion, ethical deliberation and anxiety than probably any other subject in veterinary practice. The following are a few thoughts and suggestions on how we can cope with our involvement at the sharp end of the issue.
This is not a discussion of euthanasia for strays, unwanted or abandoned animals or for phenotypically undesirable animals. The issue here is limited to clients who have a pet that is sick, aged or seriously injured and who are wrestling with the option of euthanasia. You will be asked by many clients to help them in this very difficult choice.
We need to convey to clients that euthanasia is an important option to have and that an ‘easy death’ may be preferable to prolonged discomfort. Your attitude greatly affects what may be a painful and tormenting decision for the owner. While we should maintain an objective, professional attitude, this does not mean you must be dispassionate. On the contrary, anyone who has been through the anguish of this decision knows that empathy and understanding are needed from someone who can offer guidance.
Many owners need to work through a series of emotions before they are able to make the decision for euthanasia. They may be uncertain and want a second opinion. This should be encouraged. It is their right. They may also be angry. Do not take this personally, it is a natural part of grief and needs to come out. Some clients, especially males, are distraught and upset but can’t bear to show weakness or tears and this pent up emotion may explode or implode.
If the decision has been taken to euthanase the animal then as a veterinary professional you can make things easier for the owners in many ways:
- Your attitude — make sure they realise that you care. Do not avoid involvement via glacial professionalism. Find a way to let the owners know that you understand that this is a difficult experience for them to face.
- Take time to listen — do not rush the procedure. Allow as much time as possible.
- Set up an area for euthanasia with sensitivity— they will need privacy, without interruptions such as the telephone ringing or someone coming in to get drugs.
- Cover the syringes, needles and other apparatus until they are needed.
Should the client be present at the euthanasia?
It may help them, but it may also greatly increase your own stress levels. If the client does stay, talk them through each step of the procedure. Tell them in clear and simple terms, what you are about to do using the pet’s name a lot.
Be particularly careful to explain before you give the injection that some pets get a little stimulated but they are not conscious of what they are doing, and are certainly not suffering.
Owners who choose not to be present at the euthanasia may still wish to see the body afterwards. Prepare them beforehand by warning them that their pet will be still and perhaps cold. This is especially important when children are involved.
Allow the client to be alone with their pet after the euthanasia — let them hug or stroke or cry over it. This is important in eventually accepting the loss.
Many clients need assurance that the animal is really dead. Even though you know you have given a large overdose, take time to listen with a stethoscope and check the reflexes. There are many who need to be absolutely certain and who will appreciate your care and caution.
On giving the clients the body, treat it with respect and acknowledge that this pet did matter. Wrapping the body in one of its own blankets is often an acceptable method, even if the animal itself is within a leak-proof body bag. Pet coffins are now available.
Acknowledge that it has been an awful time for them and that there is no way for them to avoid feeling sad. Support their decision for euthanasia.
Children and pet loss
Parents often ask the veterinary staff for guidance when pets die. For many children it is the first time they have lost something they loved. In many cases they have known the animal all their lives.
The parents’ instincts are often to protect their children from sadness and unhappiness. Unfortunately, such loss is an inevitable part of life and the lessons in dealing with grief are going to have to be learned at some point. In the long run, it is far better to be honest with children, to involve them in the process of their pet’s death and to try to promote healthy grief.
Children always know when something is going awry in the family. They may not be able to articulate this comprehension, but they sense the upset of their parents. This can make them feel responsible, or at least confused. If they are told their pet has ‘gone to live on a farm’ or has ‘run away’ (for example), rather than that it has died, they may feel cheated or betrayed and this will reduce their trust in their parents. Their parents’ dishonesty may have far more severe repercussions than the pet loss.
It is also sensible to bear in mind that the use of euphemisms, such as ‘put to sleep’ or ‘went to sleep’, can be very confusing. Children may develop a fear of going to sleep or may become anxious that someone might never wake up.